Hugs and Other Social Dilemma's (Part I)

I REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO HUG PROPERLY.

Before the men take–off on this one, jumping up to offer their services, I would like to clarify – this is purely an academic exercise.

So, like I said, I need to figure out the proper way to hug.
It's an essential skill one must possess....and I just don't have it.


I'm okay with the handshake - I stick my hand out; a firm grip, shake the other hand a couple of times and then withdraw, discreetly wiping my hand on my pants.
Even kissing is cool, though nose collisions do happen sometimes. But hugging the politically correct way, that totally escapes me.

My first problem is height.
It's rare that the person you'll be hugging will be of the same height as you. I'm not exactly short, and so I usually have to bend over a bit. Unfortunately, I either bend too much or too little. Too little is still tolerable, at most I wrap my arms around the person's head and give them a moment of suffocation. But it's worse when I go down too low and head-butt my co-hugger in the solar plexus. I'm not good with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and I dislike it when my friends insist on lying on the floor, turning blue.

I thought that perhaps if I go a bit slower, taking into account relative speed, distance and angular acceleration, I might be able to pull it off. But NO !! Houston - we've got a problem! If you go too slowly, the person thinks you don't want to hug them, and then you've got a cranky person on your hands for the rest of the evening. On the other hand, if you try to be faster and get into the clinch before the other person has time to confuse you, you both end up darting at each other's torso in quick jerky movements, looking like a couple of lizards in a mating dance! (Sorry Lizzy, Sorry Sam! Didn’t mean to put down your kind)

A bigger stumper is the 'magnetic lips problem'.
I can't figure it out…when you hug someone, don't you usually turn towards them slightly, rather than stare out over their shoulder like a baby who is being burped? I always do, and I invariably find my lips on some unintended part of the person's anatomy. I've been everywhere! I've magically found my lips on nostrils, eyelids, bald heads, I even once found them attached to a man's earring!

When asked what exactly it was that I was doing, I didnt have an answer. I was as surprised as he was! I had intended my lips to stay free of all interactions with this man, but of their own accord they'd taken a liking to his left earring. I managed, however, to convince him that I had mistaken the design on it for some holy symbol. The rest of the evening, I had to prove my religious fervor by making the sign of the cross every five minutes, getting on my knees facing west and chanting loudly in phony Arabic, and touching every cow we passed the whole evening. Still, he never spoke to me again. (Though I’m not sure why I’m complaining, I wasn’t interested in being friends in the first place)

AS USUAL, THE WORLD is at FAULT.
Humanity as a whole is responsible for my shortcomings!!

Why do people complicate things by displaying individual styles of hugging? There should be some standard action, sort of a Universal Hug. It would make life easier. But, rather than sitting back and whining, I'm trying to classify the various huggin styles.

Surprisingly, a pattern is emmerging. Obviously more research is warranted. I'm only in the elementary stages of research these days, but just to share with you - I've already been snapped up by government agencies to carry out a mopre extensive and comprehensive investigation (top-secret, of course!). Unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to disclose much... but considering we're such good freinds, i'll share some basic analysis soon... Please keep the information secret. I think the army plans steal my research and to use my findings to improve hand-to-hand fighting techniques or something, and you never know who might be listening….

(to be continued)…